It’s been a bit since I last wrote, and I’ve found it hard to come back to blogging when the world around me keeps going on and being unplanned. You know, life basically. It seems that I experienced my own series of unfortunate events shortly after my last entry and since then I’ve had some trouble getting back to where I was. It seems that when you have a run of bad luck it can be tough to keep calm and carry on.
So what happened?
It started with a family friend dying. She was someone who I never really got a chance to know, but I was close with people who cared deeply for her. It hurt to see them mourning and not really being able to do anything about it other than being there. I was asked to make a slideshow for the memorial and, in a whirlwind of hours, I managed to do just that.
The day after that I accidentally shut Lenin’s tail in the hinge of the door. He ‘de-gloved’ and we took him to the vet to see what could be done. Turns out it went down to the bone, so he had to have an amputation to trim it down another couple inches to prevent infection. Since it was my fault, I took financial responsibility for it, but I didn’t have all of it at that time. So I took the money I had saved up for Comic Con in February and my last full paycheck from Savers, and I borrowed the rest from my mom, sister, and The Captain with promises to pay them back. It ended up costing $650, and I still wish that I’d just been paying more attention and had noticed Lenin standing behind me.
Then I hosted my annual garage sale, getting sunburnt and making significantly less money than I was hoping for, and The Captain managed to crash a dirt bike and break his phone on the same day. As a way to pay him back, I paid for the phone when I did get the money.
Because of all the costs, The Captain and I decided we didn’t have the money to go to fair in my hometown like we’d been planning. It was this weekend.
It just seemed like a whole streak of bad luck and worse case scenarios. I cried a lot.
But time went on and things got better. Yet, somehow, I couldn’t get out of the slump that was instigated by the horrible things. So instead of writing or putting my energy into ‘good’ things, I spent a lot of it just being lazy. Sitting around, watching movies as an excuse of research, and being unhappy were the usual for me.
School started two weeks ago, and I was going to write about it. So far it’s awesome, and I love all my classes. There’ve been quite a few unforeseen costs this semester and I still don’t have a new job. I’m just feeling this huge wave of nostalgia for how simple my life used to be before I moved out on my own, before I had to worry about an ‘us’ and ‘our future’, and it’s just depressing to be honest.
It’s just beginning to feel a little crowded in this house. I’m still the only girl, which for the most part is fine, but I hate that I have all these subconsciously engrained behaviors like wanting to pick up after everyone and being the ‘mom’ of the house. So when I take care of dishes or laundry or cooking or those types of things I feel like it’s my job to do them, like if I don’t do them they won’t get done. But if someone else does those things I feel like I’ve failed and disappointed them. It’s a feminist nightmare to be honest. It doesn’t help that two of the roommates don’t necessarily pitch in.
It’s hard to get work done when The Captain and my habits are so different. He gets some of his work done on campus during the day, but I prefer to use my mornings or nights to do what I need to. It’s not easy when he’s playing video games or watching something in our room and someone is downstairs watching something in the living room. So far our new ‘study lounge’ is only useful if I’m wearing headphones and people leave me alone. Being a good student this semester to make up for my failure last term isn’t going to be a cake walk.
Everything’s kind of difficult in its own way right now, but I guess that’s life. I just wish that I could have the kind of life where things would go my way—maybe not all of the time but most of it—and I could be content. Instead I just feel like I’m compromising on everything from what to have for dinner to wedding plans in the far off future. Part of me worries that I’m compromising on who I am, but I hope not.
I just have to get back into the swing of things, work on improving my quality of life, and maybe then everything will be okay.