Do you ever just feel lost? Like you’re wandering through the world’s biggest shopping mall looking for a specific thing, but there isn’t a map in sight? And the other shoppers surrounding you are just as lost, even if it seems like they know exactly where they’re going. And the stores have names like LOVE&MARRIAGE, EDUCATION, and CAREER PATH. And even if you go into one of the stores, they might not have what you want. It can be really frustrating.
Like how life seems right now. It’s like my entire future is within my grasp, but at the same time I have to wait for everything that I want to get. And I suck at waiting. It just feels like I’m walking through that mall, trying to figure out where to go and how to get there, but not actually doing anything. I’m just stuck thinking about it when I should be acting.
Everything in my life is dependent on another. My living situation depends on how I get along with The Captain and my roommates, but it also depends on me being able to pay the bills. Which, as a penniless writer, is pretty hard to do some months. My anxiety is dependent on the stress in my life. My grades in school are dependent on the time I put into the class. And it goes on and on.
I guess I’m more of a destination person than a journey. I want to get to the happy ending, skip through the drama and crux in the middle, and be able to live the way I want. But life isn’t that easy, is it? I have to wait and work for that happy ending, just like almost everyone else.
Some days are harder than others to do that though. I just sit here, typing away and thinking, and wonder if I’m making the right choices or messing up everything. Part of that comes from anxiety I guess, but the other comes from my fairy tale dreams where I can write all day long and live with my handsome husband and awesome kids while drinking green tea and eating biscuits or something in a perfectly organized and stylish home in a town where it rarely snows.
I’m not saying I am entitled to this perfect life, but I just know that I’m not cut out for the 9-5 grind or doing anything other than writing. It’s all I’ve wanted for practically my entire life, and I won’t settle for less without being miserable.
Learning to deal with impatience isn’t easy, and it isn’t fun I’m learning. But it does help prepare for the real world where you have to work for things like food on the table and a roof over your head—where things just aren’t handed to you on a golden platter.
So while I may feel lost in the biggest mall in the world, trying to figure out what I want to do and how I’m going to do, I have hope that I will get where I want to be eventually. Even if it takes five years or ten or even more than that, I will get there. I will deal with the frustration of waiting, because the results will be worth it.
Because what I want is worth getting right and waiting for.